Starring Taylor Kitsch, Willem Dafoe and Lynn Collins; Director: Andrew Stanton
To start things off, let me just say that this movie was terrible, underrated but still terrible. Just the idea that a former civil war captain being magically transported to some random planet to fight aliens is quite frankly ridiculous. So let's begin with the actual review.
1.) Plot: While it had the potential to be good, it was not. It was extremely entertaining, but the fact that a Civil War soldier is abducted by aliens and then becomes the only hope for some oppressed alien civilization is just f****ing ridiculous and I can't abide it. That's about it.
Rank: 18/25
2.) Cinematography: The special effects were badass. That being said however, the actual cinematography was crap. I have heard it said that "John Carter" was a "sleeper" but the simple fact of the matter is that it was so terrible that it made me sleep. In fact, it probably awoke Soviet sleeper agents; hence "sleeper". There were points in the movie that the camera was so far up Taylor Kitsch's ass that I could out of his freaking mouth. Of course I'm just being facetious, but you get the point. There were seriously points in the movie where I thought that the projector was malfunctioning, or somebody was shaking it(nobody was, I know because I complained), that's how bad it was.
Rank: 22/50
3.) Acting: I won't go in depth because frankly I don't care unless it was phenomenal.
Total: 57/100
iMDB: 70/100
Metacritic: 51/100
Rotten Tomatoes 51/100
A Review by Joe.
Rank: 18/25
2.) Cinematography: The special effects were badass. That being said however, the actual cinematography was crap. I have heard it said that "John Carter" was a "sleeper" but the simple fact of the matter is that it was so terrible that it made me sleep. In fact, it probably awoke Soviet sleeper agents; hence "sleeper". There were points in the movie that the camera was so far up Taylor Kitsch's ass that I could out of his freaking mouth. Of course I'm just being facetious, but you get the point. There were seriously points in the movie where I thought that the projector was malfunctioning, or somebody was shaking it(nobody was, I know because I complained), that's how bad it was.
Rank: 22/50
3.) Acting: I won't go in depth because frankly I don't care unless it was phenomenal.
 |
| I was THIS high while filming |
- Willem Dafoe: Great, if you need an explanation, then you're an idiot.
- Taylor Kitsch: Good, although I preferred him in "Friday Night Lights".
- Lynn Collings: Okay: a little over-acted though.
Total: 57/100
iMDB: 70/100
Metacritic: 51/100
Rotten Tomatoes 51/100
A Review by Joe.
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