Joe's Most Hated Movie... Ever

City of Angels
(A Rant By Joe)

Starring Nicholas Cage and Meg Ryan

Frankly, I was waiting for Hellboy to kill this thing

Let me just start off as saying that I hate Meg Ryan, I like Nicholas Cage (I don't think he's great but I like a couple of his movies).  I saw this movie the other day on HDNet movies, and I thought wow... Meg Ryan, Nicholas Cage... one actor I semi like and one that I absolutely hate, this might level out into a decently crappy movie. Boy-o-boy was I wrong, it was terrible.  Now I've heard of willing suspension of disbelief, and most of the time I'm pretty good at willingly suspending MY disbelief, but just the simple fact that Meg Ryan is a goddamn heart surgeon is just one of the most ridiculous things that I personally have ever heard of, considering the fact that she couldn't get a face left done without it making her look like The Creature from the Black Lagoon. What I did like about it was that Nick Cage was an angel who came to earth to booze and sex it up.  That alone would have made a great movie; but no, Nick has to go and fall in love with eternal airhead Meg Ryan.  You know, I don't even know why I don't like Meg Ryan, in some aspects, she's actually a better actor than Nick Cage, but at least Nick Cage is a badass and not just some dumb bimbo, who shows up to whatever she's paid to do, er Nick Cage is no bimbo. Whatever happened to her?  I don't think I've seen her in a movie since 1998 when this one came out.  Granted I don't ever go out of my way to find and watch Meg Ryan movies, being on account of the fact that I hate her, but I don't recall having seen any commercials for any movies starring, co-starring, or even casting Meg Ryan as an extra in recent years, although that may have something to do with the fact that every time I see a commercial for a movie with the plot of the general genre of movie which Meg Ryan stars in, I tend to change the channel and go back to watching "South Park" or something.  Any way, when I got to the point when Nick kissed Meg for the first time I literally yelled at the TV... "NO NICK!!!!! DON'T DO IT, YOUR RUINING YOUR CAREER, AND YOU COULD TOTALLY GET BETTER THAN THAT NASTY HARLEQUIN, ALSO "WINDTALKERS" WAS AN AWESOME MOVIE!!!!!!!!!!!"  To which my mom, who was upstairs watching, I don't know... ummmm "The Bachelor" or some other awful tripe (by the way, I all-encompassingly hate "The Bachelor", it's the tackiest, cheesiest, and mind numbing show on TV other than maybe "Grey's Anatomy") "JOE SHUT UP, I'M WATCHING WHATEVER GARBAGE I'M WATCHING AND YOU NEED TO KEEP IT DOWN!" (Obviously I paraphrased slightly there on account of me not remembering exactly what she was watching).  To which I responded, "I CAN'T MOM, NICK CAGE JUST RUINED HIS CAREER... 14 YEARS AGO!!!!" Anyway, the point is  that I hate Meg Ryan with a BURNING passion, but I hate this movie more.
Thank you for your time.
Love,
Joe
p.s. (Meg, I hope this doesn't ruin our secret love affair, call me!)

The Lucky One

Soon very soon, I shall review "The Lucky One"
p.s. as a side note, have you ever noticed that all Nicholas Sparks movies have the nearly the exact same poster...and plot

Joe's Review of "John Carter"

John Carter-a review
Starring Taylor Kitsch, Willem Dafoe and Lynn Collins; Director: Andrew Stanton
To start things off, let me just say that this movie was terrible, underrated but still terrible. Just the idea that a former civil war captain being magically transported to some random planet to fight aliens is quite frankly ridiculous. So let's begin with the actual review.

1.) Plot:  While it had the potential to be good, it was not.  It was extremely entertaining, but the fact that a Civil War soldier is abducted by aliens and then becomes the only hope for some oppressed alien civilization is just f****ing ridiculous and I can't abide it. That's about it.
Rank: 18/25


2.) Cinematography:  The special effects were badass.  That being said however, the actual cinematography was crap.  I have heard it said that "John Carter" was a "sleeper" but the simple fact of the matter is that it was so terrible that it made me sleep.  In fact, it probably awoke Soviet sleeper agents; hence "sleeper".  There were points in the movie that the camera was so far up Taylor Kitsch's ass that I could out of his freaking mouth.  Of course I'm just being facetious, but you get the point.  There were seriously points in the movie where I thought that the projector was malfunctioning, or somebody was shaking it(nobody was, I know because I complained), that's how bad it was.
Rank: 22/50


3.) Acting:  I won't go in depth because frankly I don't care unless it was phenomenal.

I was THIS high while filming 

• Willem Dafoe:  Great, if you need an explanation, then you're an idiot.
• Taylor Kitsch:  Good, although I preferred him in "Friday Night Lights".
• Lynn Collings:  Okay: a little over-acted though.

Rank: 17/25... Willem Dafoe saved it, and he was an alien.
Total: 57/100
iMDB: 70/100
Metacritic: 51/100
Rotten Tomatoes 51/100
A Review by Joe.

"The Three Stooges"

The Three Stooges; a compact and concise review
("The Three Stooges; starring Sean Hayes, Will Sasso and Chris Diamantopoulos, directed by the Farrelly Brothers)
We are reaching a point in our lives when old is new again. If you don't believe me look at a the fashion world right now, models are wearing suspenders and fedoras, and rainbow and neon is being replaced by brown...and more brown. Everything works in a huge cycle and movies are no exception. However there comes a time when something which stopped being relevant decades ago needs to stay irrelevant. This movie was very inspired by the series we all know and love, and yet it failed. The biggest problem with this film was that it tried too hard to be, The Three Stooges, and as a result lost all of the magic that we associate with it. People love The Three Stooges because it reflected a more innocent time and everything was well. The update also updated the time frame into our cold narcissistic dystopia where no one feels safe. But I digress, let us dig a bit deeper into this flick.

Plot: 5/25: It was rough, even for a Three Stooges movie. Everything seemed to just happen, none of the characters improved or changed, and the ending felt unsatisfactory. Very few things here are original, the very plot itself, trying to raise money to save an orphanage, has been done over and over again to much greater effect. Nothing felt new, and the film dragged because of it.

Acting: 25/50: No one is ever going to be nominated for an Oscar here, but it could have been a lot worse. Will Sasso's performance as Curly was nothing short of inspired, he embodied his role and would've made the original Curly proud. The other two Stooges, while giving admirable performances fell short on this count. The ensemble was decent and provided laughs that might have been lost without them, there were,  however, a few very wooden performances by Sophia Vegara, Craig Bierko, and the cast of Jersey Shore, who apparently can't even play themselves in a movie.

Directorial Points 15/25: Directed by the Farrelly Brothers, this film was in good hands. The screenplay left much to be desired, but the duo rose to the challenge and presented a decent film. From the guys who brought us "There's Something About Mary" and "Dumb and Dumber" their trademarks were very prevalent throughout this film. Slapstick humor, oafish characters, disabled characters, this film has them and more.

Conclusion: Watch this movie for a few stupid laughs one night, or take your kids to it they'll love it. This is a stupid film, and it's meant to be that way, enjoy it for what it is.

Total: 45/100
iMDB: 43/100
Metacritic: 55/100
Roger Ebert: 2.5 stars

Lazy=WIN!

Alright, Joe wins, apparently being lazy can be profitable. I'm breaking the silence and I'll have a review of The Three Stooges up by tomorrow.-Evan

I swear we're not ignoring you, both Joe and I have been busy doing touch-ups and contacting people and what not. Joe's promised to FINALLY get his review of "John Carter" up... so there's that at least. I'll try and see a few movies myself.
Thanks a plenty
Evan

Hey hey ho ho, sorry for  the break, so new stuff will be on the blog any day now, (just cross your fingers) in the meantime, if you want to be involved in the movie e-mail us @evanandjoemovies@yahoo.com

Sorry, for the unsatisfactory level of posts readers. Never fear, new reviews, comments, articles and more!