Upcoming Reviews

Reviews which will be published soon... Men In Black III, Prometheus and Snow White and the Huntsmen

The Movie

Walked out of my first movie ever. It wasn't the movies fault, it wasn't good or bad (more of a "meh" all around) but the quartet of cacophonous commentators seated directly behind me. I arrived at the theatre roughly 15 minutes before the film started. I sat down and did what every movie-goer is expected to do...shut the f*** up and watch the screen. Then the posse arrived in all of their overweight American splendor. They started to talk immediately...about nothing. I learned that John was trying to lose what and that Alyssa heard things about the movie, but she didn't remember where, and the conversations only got better. They quacked through The Dark Knight Rises (bad), The The Amazing Spiderman (worse) and to round it all off they talked OVER THE HOBBIT TRAILER. You may know me as being a "douche" so I leaned backward and said (Verbatim), "Hey buddy, can you keep it down, I want to hear the movie." The fatter one, whom I had affectionately maned El Tubbo by this point, mulled my comment over in his engorged head and replied, "Yeah, whatever faggot." I didn't feel as though I had earned the faggot remark, but I kept my rebuttal in check. *This is all before the movie begins mind you* I'm to angry to watch Kristin Stewert and company act, and I am secretly staring at El Tubbo as he lifts a bucket of popcorn to his face and eats it, the same way a mule would enjoy his oats. El Tubbo's girlfriend, (whom we will refer to from this point as Ms. ClearlyHasCrabs), taps him on the shoulder and starts to massage his belly while whispering sweet nothings into his ear, as he violates a tub of popcorn. The Fantastic Four behind me had ceased talking when out of the blue El Tubbo yells, "BELLA HAS HUGE BOOBS" (A. Wrong movie B. No..no she doesn't). So the talking immediately restarted among El Tubbo, Ms. ClearlyHasCrabs, John and Alyssa. This continues for forty minutes, at which point I again turn around and say, "As much as I enjoy your rendition of Siskel And Ebert commentary, please stop". Needless to say, I was way out of line, and I deserved a repercussion for ruining Snow White and the Huntsmen for them. So, they poured a soda down my back. While fuming in the sweet, sticky syrup which is Mountain Dew (non-diet I would hazard to guess) I stood up and moved to the front of the theatre, I had paid 8.50 for this ticket and I was going to enjoy the movie, so help me god. Then the gaggle followed me and talked LOUDER. I was trying to ignore them until Ms. ClearlyHasCrabs pulls out her phone and CALLS SOMEONE to talk. I was done, I had already decided to leave by this point. So I stood up, turned around and said, very sternly I may add, "There are two rules in theatres, don't talk to each other, don't talk on phones. You all have broken those two commandments which have been in place since the invention of THE MOVIE THEATRE (looking back I should have included cell phone as well, but I was on a roll). THE FOUR OF YOU ARE WHY EVERYONE HATES AMERICA. And if I had a choice between being in this theatre for another minute or being waterboarded, I WOULD CHOOSE THE LATTER!" Then I stormed out of the movie with my head held high and my shirt smelling like poverty and southern drinking habits, just knowing that I was going home to complain on the internet. Thank you for your time.